Achieve or Die!

I’ve never been good at keeping my New Year resolutions, Lent I’m not so bad at, but resolutions leave me feeling pressured and anxious and guilty if I don’t achieve the goals I set for myself.  How unbelievably naive is it to set yourself goals you are unlikely to achieve without flipping your whole life around?  It’s masochistic, I tell ye.  I know this, yet I still do it.  Like, I need a reason, a deadline, to achieve something.  Weird.

Sure, it’s easy to go online and find a voucher for skydiving or swimming with dolphins, but then that’s not good enough.  When it’s too easy, I want to make it harder; like, I need to skydive in New Zealand, or it doesn’t count unless it’s swimming with dolphins in the Red Sea. That’s why all my goals are impossible – because I make them impossible.  Ain’t nobody stopping me but me.

I think singing in the shower is going to lead to a Grammy and I’m just SO DAMN GOOD that I don’t need a band and pub gigs and managers and Youtube channels and 25,000,000 Facebook followers and a deal with Disney. Honestly it’s hard to know whether I need the goal to survive or just the daydreaming.

So, for the next little while, I’m going to try taking baby steps in the egg and spoon race to the finish line.

Last year, I flipped my lid trying to force a new career path.  I’d apply for job after job and got nowhere.  It was so disheartening, until I changed my tactics and actually *did the right thing* and enrolled in a course that got me a specific software certificate that would help (go me!), then I started other courses to build up my subject knowledge.  Sure it takes longer to finish the race, but at least I did it knowing I’ve achieved something rather than having blagged it through sheer luck and force.

From now on, here are the basic rules I’m going to live by or, at least, try to remember:

1.  Only try to achieve in areas I actually care about.  Forcing myself to do things I don’t care about only makes me feel like I’m either stupid or have a major attention problem – neither of which is true.

2.   Dress for the occasion.  It makes me feel capable and confident.  Before long I’ll be so naturally confident I could kick corporate butt in my pyjamas if I wanted to.

3.   Plan and *write down* the baby steps I need to take.  Tick them off as I go.

4.   Seek advice and encouragement from friends in the know, without embarrassment.

5.   Be proud of my accomplishments, no matter how small they are – whether it’s making a batch of cookies, getting my make-up just right or designing a new building for the Parisian CBD.

6.   Reward myself as I go, like a puppy in training.  New dress?  Sure – after 5 baby tasks completed. Double win!

7.   Didn’t quite manage that task on time?  Don’t worry, have a bath and a girly night in and I’ll try again when I’m ready. Comfort myself.

I tells ya, I’m looking forward to the self-motivating, self-comforting, self-sufficient me.

Stranger Shaming: Posting Pictures of Strangers Online

We all know that privacy online is a massive problem, with social networking sites changing their privacy policy every other week or using incomprehensible jargon, or games we play using our picture in their adverts and spamming all our friends with coin requests and all sorts of things that just completely blow my mind.  But that’s old news; we’re now either accepting of it or savvy enough to thwart it.

But there is still something that really rattles my cage, that makes me do a scream that rattles the seeds inside the apples and probably, hopefully, millions of other people; it’s when pictures of people are taken without their knowledge or consent and deliberately posted online for us to mock.  It’s the sneaky cyber bulling interweaving trend known as Stranger Shaming.

We’ve all laughed them; old embarrassing yearbook pictures, people in Walmart wearing pyjamas or short shorts, someone falling over drunk or caught making a ridiculous photobomb.  Of course they can be funny, but when does it cross a line?  I don’t ever want to see my face going viral with a tagline of “epic fail”, “who ate all the pies” or even “lol”!.  That would break me.  It's even creepy when it's something complimentary like "omg I need this girl's bag".

Looking at my friends list on Facebook or Instagram, people I know and trust are posting pictures they have taken of someone for a cheap laugh.  “This guy pissed himself on my bus this morning”, “oh Gawd I can see up her skirt when she walks upstairs”, “lol, this woman had a wardrobe malfunction”.  It makes me so sad, infuriated and disappointed.  What right do they have to do this to someone?  What right do I have to see it?

Back in March a woman in Staffordshire needed to feed her baby.  She found a quiet spot on some steps of a closed building and breastfed her baby - then someone took a picture of her and anonymously posted it to Facebook with the message “tramp”.

The photo did the rounds until one of her friends saw it and reported it to her.  Thankfully, she became proactive in her retaliation which caused a media storm and a massive amount of support for her.  In fact, thousands of people turned up to a rally in support of public breastfeeding! Brilliant. 

While I think it’s great to see the support of breastfeeding in public, I couldn’t get over the fact that the anonymous poster got away with trying to shame this young mother online without her knowledge.  It makes me feel all kinds of worry for the human race.

There are countless groups and websites that encourage you to share photos for the purpose of laughing at someone. I’m not going to get into the labyrinth of revenge websites whereby you get back at an ex or enemy by posting their private nude photos or address for everyone to abuse - the ones with paid membership; that’s far too horrendous and obvious.

But there are hundreds of easily accessible groups like “women who eat on the tube” which has approx. 15,000 members who are encouraged to take a sneaky picture and share with details of the time it was taken, which tubeline and what food was being eaten.  OK, it's just a picture of someone eating but, crikey, what is the point? 


The founder of the website thinks people wouldn’t be offended by the group if it had been started by a woman and that the “the feminist lobby will attack anything”.  I think, Mr Tony Burke, that I was offended by the stupidity and ignorance of it before I knew who started it and that I feel deeply sorry for someone who ends up on that group without consenting to it.  The group tagline is “subjects are embraced and cherished”, but the comments say otherwise. Burke says, 

“Anyone who gets their knickers in a twist over that [having their photo taken on the Tube with food in hand] needs to check themselves a bit. Look, people just need to develop a sense of humour, and toughen up a bit.....If they were at home being photographed, that’s sinister,” he says. “They’re in a public place. That’s the risk that you take. Let’s not live in this ridiculous nanny state were nothing’s allowed to exist in case it upsets someone. It’s not like people are going to be humiliated or traumatised for years to come.”  But, Mr Burke, you've provided a platform for someone to be humiliated or traumatised regardless of how long that lasts.  Don't you see?  It's not really "art" is it? Not when you also admit to it being "utterly pointless".  *Eye roll*.  Some people, eh?

In the very first instance, IMHO, people really need to be given the opportunity to have those pictures removed.   Furthermore, Emma Carr, director of Big Brother Watch, has called for a law to deter people from taking photos of strangers.  I wait with baited breath for the result of that.

To all these groups and their members and to the individuals posting photos of strangers; what’s the point in offending people for such a cheap laugh?  I don't want to encourage a nanny state world.  I just want you to think about what you are contributing to.

WoW: gender equality & office politics

Since the beginning of time, gender equality has been a massive topic for women.  Even as a 90's kid of about 8/9 years old I wondered why I had to iron the pile of clothes fresh from the washing line then "remember to hang them up straight", while my brother, a year older, played his Sega games undisturbed with a bowl of treats and an Irn Bru to drink. When I asked my mum why she'd answer along the lines of "because you're good at it", "you need to learn how to do these things" or "because I said so".  When probed further, saying how my brother should learn too, her exasperated answer would be, irritatingly, "yours is not to reason why, yours is but to do or die".  Pretty soon I was cooking full meals, being a good little hostess to visitors and, when mum wasn't looking, running the vacuum over my brother's feet or leaving the skin on his boiled potatoes in protest.  As an adult, I know it wasn't a case of poor little Cinderella girl, it was just that my mum had six kids and needed a hand; and I probably did the job ten times better and faster than my brother could have, even if he had tried. And now I know what a fool I was because potato skins are spectacularly delicious.

We'll never know for sure how deeply the difference in treatment has affected us; no one uses another set of kids to use as a control group, do they?  Asking those questions as a kid, though, I think my mum knew I was going to grow up to be feisty and independent. And my brother is a very capable and doting husband and father, so no harm done, right?  It worked out alright for us.

But, after spending a day at the WoW festival in London's Southbank Centre (Women of the World not World of Warcraft.  Please, as if), it brought it home just how hard women still have to work in order to be champions of their trade, or even just respected in the workplace.  I was lucky enough to hear Ruby Wax talk about depression and how it affected her career; Alan Rickman, her co-worker while doing a Shakespeare acting stint, told her to get a grip and sort herself out (only more eloquently) and how she later bit The Man on the ass by rocking up with an MA from Oxford in mindfulness-based cognitive therapy, a knowledge she has channelled into her stand-up show and wrote a book about.  Snaps, girlfriend!

I also saw my holy grail of heroines, the straight-talking, clear-thinking, charismatic Dame Vivienne Westwood.  Not just a fierce fashion leader, she's also an active campaigner of social and environmental issues, a believer in equality regardless of race, gender or age and a straight-up, genuine and humble human being. “What can kids do to help with global warming” a little girl from the crowd asked her.  As the rest of the crowd went “awwwwwww”, Dame Viv looked in her the eye and said “the same as adults”.  Brilliant!  You can watch the whole discussion here, hosted by the wonderfully precise Shami Chakrabarti, herself a brilliant role model for women who mean business.

Now I'm not an antagonistic feminist - the kind where women think they're better than men - I'm with Dame Viv.  Everyone should be treated equally regardless of age/sex/location, polka dots or power suit. If you're the right person for the job then that should be enough.

I've worked through the gender inequality in the office where females do the admin, men do the "real work", females get told off for their "mistakes" in view of the whole office, while men get taken to private lunch meetings to strategize over "making equally beneficial changes".  Pffft, come on guys! 

I've learned a lot from surrounding myself with confident, persuasive women and by paying attention to how they carry themselves, their attitude and poise.  Here’s my very basic list of dos and don'ts if you’re to survive the emotion that comes with office politics.

Don’t

• Try to ball-bust everyone just to make your mark. There’s nothing uglier than someone swooping in like a hurricane putting everyone in a spin. 
• Try to progress by holding others back.  You wouldn't want someone to do it to you and, besides, you might need them as an ally one day. 
• Be passive aggressive.  It will aggravate the women and the men will only be confused.
• Talk about someone behind their back.  It will only make others believe that you talk about them too.
• Come to work dressed in last night’s clothes and make up.  If you can’t respect yourself, no one else will either.  If you do have an emergency situation like this, best to acknowledge it and make a joke with your girlfriends. They’ll lift your spirits.

Trick: if you’re worried about a conflict, a presentation or meeting, don’t picture them naked.  Instead, give yourself a little secret; wear your sexiest underwear, the brooch your granny gave you or anything else that makes you feel special and feisty.

Do

• Treat everyone with a high amount of respect regardless of their position in the company. 
• Make an effort to polish yourself up in the morning – a spiffy version of your most comfortable self.  It won’t just make you look professional, it will make you feel like superwoman.  You are what you feel.
• Say what you mean and get straight to the point.  Tip-toeing around an issue will only make you seem passive or weak.
• Make friends with everyone.  There will be people that try to make your life a misery and kick the ladder from under your feet, but plotting revenge or undermining them in retaliation will not do you any favours – even if you think you’ll get away with it.  Giving someone a reason not to kick the ladder from under you allows for much more progression and respect. 
• When kicked down. channel your inner Chumbawamba  and get back up and stay posi.

Trick: If you’re being bullied, stay calm, and don’t be tempted to explain your behaviour. Ask them to explain theirs.  Don’t let it drag on – nip it in the bud as soon as possible.  If the bullying reaches the point where you are depressed, anxious or losing your self-esteem or motivation, have an informal word with them in private, accompanied by an ally.  If all this fails, take it to their manager or an HR rep as soon as possible. 

If we want equality, we have to treat everyone equally – men, women and children, novices, assistants, and CEOs.  With the majority on board, the misogynists will soon disperse.